


Teamania

by AVirtoMusae



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: And hyper, And should not be allowed around malls, Coffee, Dirk is adorable, Gen, M/M, Tea, Without Farah's supervision, malls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-21 00:18:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9522389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AVirtoMusae/pseuds/AVirtoMusae
Summary: For the prompt "Dirk/Todd where Dirk keeps getting Todd to try all these weird kinds of tea and Todd's just sitting there with his black coffee like no, please just let me be bitter here in peace" given to me by an anon on Tumblr





	

There was very little that Todd would ever be able to blame Amanda for. After all, very little ever was her fault. Her choices, while sometimes a tad suspect, were not nearly as harmful as his own and never harmful to others the way his own were. Indeed, if he were to be annoyed with anything right now, it was her enthusiasm in introducing Dirk to Normal People Things.

Amanda, grinning, asked if Dirk had ever been to a shopping mall.

Everything, Todd thought, went downhill from there.

“No,” Dirk replied, frowning dramatically. His entire head tilted to the side. “What’s a shopping mall?”

Amanda, of course, only grinned more widely. “They’re amazing! You’ll love them! There’s a bunch of stores, mostly clothing, and there’s food, and people and --”

“I thought you didn’t like being around so many people?” Dirk asked, frown only growing deeper.

Amanda shrugged. “It’s not like I always liked staying in the house.”

Dirk nodded slowly. “What?” He paused for a second, thinking dramatically. “Amanda, what is a mall?”

“How do you not know?” Amanda demanded. “Where did you even get your jackets?”

Dirk blinked and shrugged. “I don’t know, I just don’t. Is there a reason you’re asking? Are you going to answer my question?”

“Question?” Amanda asked, apparently confused. “Oh! What’s a mall, right?” She bit her lip, and her stare shifted from Dirk to Todd. And that was when Todd started to have some serious misgivings about the entire thing. “Todd can take you.”

“What?” Todd demanded, starting to feel more than a bit alarmed. “No, no,I -I couldn’t.” There was no way that taking Dirk Gently to a mall was going to end well -- for Todd or for Dirk. Todd had never met anyone as accident-prone as Dirk, and he was including himself.

Dirk grinned -- and that was probably not a strong enough term for the smile that graced Dirk’s lips. “Please, Todd! Amanda can’t take me, and Farah’s busy doing Farah things -- I think she had a gun when she left -- so you’re the only one who can.”

Todd nodded. “Right.” Dirk would be happy so long as he could go to the mall. Maybe Todd could call Farah and get her to drive Dirk when she got done with whatever she got done.  
Dirk kept grinning at Todd. “And I want my best friend to come with me.”

Todd sighed. It would be cruel to say no to that happy face.

The trip to the mall itself wasn’t that bad even if it was long and involved far more exercise than necessarily ideal. What was bad was Dirk’s self-restraint (the lack thereof) when seeing things he wanted to buy. 

Todd had expected the main danger to be clothing stores. There was no way Dirk’s jackets could be inexpensive, and he seemed to have an endless supply of different jackets. Sure, Dirk implied he wasn’t 100% sure where he got them, but still. It was slightly terrifying, actually. Todd could only really ever remember having the one denim jacket and hadn’t ever met someone who had quite that affinity for brightly colored eyesores the way that Dirk did. 

Instead, what Dirk decided to go after was objectively far worse than clothing _(if it were clothing, maybe Dirk would model clothing and --)._

But no, of course Dirk went straight for the tea shop. After an entire hour of samples, sniffing all the tea leaves, and shoving tea in Todd’s face, Dirk finally opted to buy a tin of every tea they had in the store. 

Todd was, at the very least, relieved that he did not have to be dragged to any more stores after that, even if he was carrying about twenty plastic bags of tea while Dirk ran to the car. Todd was at least grateful that Dirk wasn’t shouting about the tea (which was not an unlikely scenario).

Yes, Todd blamed Amanda for the trip to the mall, and by extension, the aftermath of the trip to the mall as well. If they hadn’t taken Dirk to the mall, then he wouldn’t be stuck at the kitchen table being forced to sample all of the teas Dirk had bought. 

And that was how Todd came to find himself staring mournfully at his third cup of black coffee while Dirk made type of tea number four. Todd resisted the urge to groan as Dirk approached the table. “What is it this time, Dirk?” Todd asked, not bothering to look up from his coffee. 

Todd finally glanced up, eyebrows raised, as Dirk set the tea down in front of him. The tea at least looked like a tea, something Todd considered to be a good sign. It was not as if the other three teas hadn’t; it was just that Todd couldn’t quite bring himself to trust Dirk in the kitchen. Dirk was, of course, beaming. “This, Todd, is the most marvelous tea ever -- pu-ehr tea. Fermented tea, Todd! Imagine --”

Todd quickly tuned out Dirk’s explanation and looked nervously at the tea. Fermented tea sounded . . . strange, to put it lightly. Todd had never been a big fan of tea. It was tolerable, but just not ideal, and the idea of fermented tea was not one he enjoyed. Still, Dirk was smiling at him, shifting on his feet as he waited for Todd to try the tea. 

And well, with Dirk grinning at him like that, who was Todd to refuse? Sighing heavily, he brought the mug of tea to his mouth and took a sip. A second later, he exclaimed, “HOLY SHIT THAT IS BITTER!”

Dirk frowned. “Really? I thought it had a rather pleasant flavor. Very . . . earthy. Though I wonder how you found it bitter when you drink that monstrosity.” Dirk gestured at Todd’s coffee. 

Todd scowled. Yes, he did see that Dirk had a point -- black coffee did have a tendency to be exceedingly bitter, but tea was different. After a moment of staring at each other, Todd scowling and Dirk smiling hopefully, Dirk’s shoulders slumped. “Fine.” 

He picked up the tea and took it back to the kitchen. Todd stared at his coffee. So maybe he felt a tiny bit guilty about making Dirk so dejected-looking, but it wasn’t like Todd wanted the damn tea. And Dirk was just so fucking enthusiastic it seemed to drain Todd’s energy and good-will. Dirk had dragged him around that damn mall all day, so why couldn’t Dirk leave him alone right now? It was, he found, rather infuriating. 

Todd scowled at his coffee hard enough that he didn’t hear Dirk come in. Not until Dirk cleared his throat, at any rate. Todd glanced up. “What?”

“Here’s another tea for you, Todd. I hope you like it.” Dirk was once again smiling but not quite as brilliantly now.

“What is it?” 

“Cococaramel sea salt.”

Todd blinked. He didn’t need to say anything because the raised eyebrows on his face said it all: _What the fuck is this tea._

Dirk looked down at the cup of tea in his hands and frowned. Hesitantly, he raised the mug to his own lips and took a hesitant sip. “I don’t see what’s so bad about it. It’s pretty good. I like it, at least.” Dirk bit his lip as he handed the mug over to Todd. 

Todd sighed heavily and sniffed the tea. It smelled sickeningly sweet, and Todd wrinkled his nose. “That’ll be too sweet, Dirk.”

Dirk rounded his shoulders and looked down at the ground. Still, he took the tea back from Todd. Todd looked down at his coffee so he didn’t have to see the crestfallen look on his friend’s face. 

There was a moment’s pause during which neither man spoke. Then, finally Dirk asked, “Do you not like tea, Todd? How do you not like tea?”

Todd smiled sheepishly.

There was another pause.

“You should have told me! I have been wasting all this time trying to find a tea you would like when there isn’t one. Very rude. I should have been searching for your perfect coffee.”

Todd blinked and started to smile. Then, it dawned on him that Dirk was going to do this but with coffee now. That would be Amanda’s fault as well. Except it wouldn’t be because it was just so Dirk. _(And adorable, but he wasn’t going to think about that.)_

_(Shit.)_

He smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> I am coffee-ink-spots-no-sleep on Tumblr if you want to chat! =)
>
>> A Virto Musae  
> By the Virtue of the Muse


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